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funny quotes for your Self help needs

   Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies.
 ~quote about Jealousy by Elizabeth Bowen
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   How can you put on a meaningful drama when, every fifteen minutes, proceedings are interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits with toilet paper?
 ~quotes on Television by Rod Serling, quoted in Submitted for Your Approval, Public Broadcasting Station, 1995

   If the Stars should appear one night in a thousand years, how would men believe and adore; and preserve for many generations the remembrance of the city of God which had been shown! But every night come out these envoys of beauty, and light the universe with their admonishing smile.
 ~sayings on Night by Ralph Waldo Emerson

   The tyrant dies and his rule ends, the martyr dies and his rule begins.
 ~quotations on Perspective by Soren Kierkegaard

   Every happening, great and small, is a parable whereby God speaks to us, and the art of life is to get the message.
 ~famous funny quote by Malcolm Muggeridge

   Every one of us has in him a continent of undiscovered character. Blessed is he who acts the Columbus to his own soul.
 ~saying about funny by Author Unknown
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   Great experience are even better when they are share!
 ~quote about Humor by Calvin

   Are you not ashamed of heaping up the greatest amount of money and honour and reputation, and caring so little about wisdom and truth and the greatest improvement of the soul?
 ~quotes on Integrity by Socrates

   Every hitter likes fastballs, just like everybody likes ice cream. But you don't like it when someone's stuffing it into you by the gallon. That's what it feels like when Nolan Ryan's thrown balls by you.
 ~sayings on Baseball by Reggie Jackson

   I know many married men, I even know a few happily married men, but I don't know one who wouldn't fall down the first open coal hole running after the first pretty girl who gave him a wink.
 ~quotations on Men by George Jean Nathan

   The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
 ~famous funny quote by Damon Runyon, More Than Somewhat, in reference to Ecclesiastes 9:11, I returned, and saw under the s

   A gold medal is a nice thing - but if you're not enough without it, you'll never be enough with it.
 ~saying about funny by From Cool Runnings

   If Jesus Christ were to come today people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he has to say, and make fun of it.
 ~quote about Jesus Christ by Thomas Carlyle

   There is a great man who makes every man feel small. But the real great man is the man who makes every man feel great.
 ~quotes on Greatness by G.K. Chesterton

   The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes
 ~sayings on Columbus Day by Marcel Proust

   You can't give a hug without getting a hug.
 ~quotations on Hugs by Author Unknown

   Instruction in sex is as important as instruction in food; yet not only are our adolescents not taught the physiology of sex, but never warned that the strongest sexual attraction may exist between persons so incompatible in tastes and capacities that they could not endure living together for a week much less a lifetime.
 ~famous funny quote by George Bernard Shaw, Everybody's Political What's What, 1944

   The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent.
 ~saying about funny by Mell Lazarus

   Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
 ~quote about Goals by Author Unknown

   To learn about eye protection, ask someone who has one.
 ~quotes on Safety by Author Unknown

   Tea...is a religion of the art of life.
 ~sayings on Tea by Okakura

   Will... the threat of common extermination continue?... Must children receive the arms race from us as a necessary inheritance?
 ~quotations on War by Pope John Paul II, speech at the UN, 1979

   Water which is too pure has no fish.
 ~famous funny quote by Ts'ai Ken T'an

   Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.
 ~saying about funny by Maurice Chevalier, New York Times, 9 October 1960

   Luck: when your burst of energy doesn't run afoul of someone else's.
 ~quote about Luck by Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

   History is apt to judge harshly those who sacrifice tomorrow for today.
 ~quotes on Dieting by Harold MacMillan

   The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
 ~sayings on Running by Erma Bombeck

   Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the wise. Seek what they sought.
 ~quotations on Philosophical by Matsuo Basho

   To win, you've got to put the ball in the macramé.
 ~famous funny quote by Terry McGuire

   Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it.
 ~saying about funny by Jacques Prévert

   One... gets an impression that civilization is something which was imposed on a resisting majority by a minority which understood how to obtain possession of the means to power and coercion. It is, of course, natural to assume that these difficulties are not inherent in the nature of civilization itself but are determined by the imperfections of the cultural forms which have so far been developed.
 ~quote about Civilization by Sigmund Freud, The Future of an Illusion

   When red headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.
 ~quotes on Hair by Mark Twain, A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court

   No entertainment is so cheap as reading, nor any pleasure so lasting.
 ~sayings on Books Reading by Mary Wortley Montagu

   As we struggle to make sense of things, life looks on in repose.
 ~quotations on Life by Author Unknown

   Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.
 ~famous funny quote by Author Unknown

   Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are.
 ~saying about funny by Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha

   We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic cords of memory will swell when again touched as surely they will be by the better angels of our nature.
 ~quote about Friendship by Abraham Lincoln

   Democracy is the only system that persists in asking the powers that be whether they are the powers that ought to be.
 ~quotes on Government by Sydney J. Harris
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