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dirty quotes for your Self help needs

   The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income
 ~quote about Retirement by George Foreman

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   I think there is one higher office than president and I would call that patriot
 ~quotes on Patriot Day by Gary Hart

   I've got dreams in hidden places and extra smiles for when I'm blue.
 ~sayings on Attitude by Author Unknown

   To avoid mistakes and regrets, always consult your wife before engaging in a flirtation.
 ~quotations on Flirtation by E.W. Howe

   It will never be possible by pure reason to arrive at some absolute truth.
 ~funny dirty quote by Werner Heisenberg, Physics and Philosophy

   Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
 ~saying about dirty by Robert Byrne

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   If all mankind minus one were of one opinion, mankind would be no more justified in silencing that one person than he, if he had the power, would be justified in silencing mankind.
 ~quote about Censorship by John Stuart Mill, On Liberty, 1859

   The question before the human race is, whether the God of nature shall govern the world by his own laws, or whether priests and kings shall rule it by fictitious miracles?
 ~quotes on Religion by John Adams, letter to Thomas Jefferson, 20 June 1815

   The hypocrite's crime is that he bears false witness against himself. What makes it so plausible to assume that hypocrisy is the vice of vices is that integrity can indeed exist under the cover of all other vices except this one. Only crime and the criminal, it is true, confront us with the perplexity of radical evil; but only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.
 ~sayings on Hypocrisy by Hannah Arendt, On Revolution, 1963

   If you suck on a tit the movie gets an R rating. If you hack the tit off with an axe it will be PG.
 ~quotations on Cinema by Jack Nicholson

   Reduce the complexity of life by eliminating the needless wants of life, and the labors of life reduce themselves.
 ~funny dirty quote by Edwin Way Teale

   When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.
 ~saying about dirty by Author Unknown

   Mathematics may be defined as the economy of counting. There is no problem in the whole of mathematics which cannot be solved by direct counting.
 ~quote about Math by Ernst Mach

   This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.
 ~quotes on Religion by George Carlin, on Saturday Night Live

   A weed is but an unloved flower.
 ~sayings on Weeds by Ella Wheeler Wilcox

   Some men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman's toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace.
 ~quotations on Women by Marianne Williamson, A Woman's Worth

   Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
 ~funny dirty quote by Aldous Huxley

   The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.
 ~saying about dirty by Elbert Hubbard, The Note Book, 1927

   How can a society that exists on instant mashed potatoes, packaged cake mixes, frozen dinners, and instant cameras teach patience to its young?
 ~quote about Prosperity by Paul Sweeney

   In a dream you are never eighty.
 ~quotes on Age by Anne Sexton

   One can pay back the loan of gold, but one dies forever in debt to those who are kind
 ~sayings on Thank You. by Malayan Proverb

   May you live all the days of your life.
 ~quotations on Blessings by Irish blessing, also attributed to Jonathan Swift

   Nobody has ever measured, even poets, how much a heart can hold
 ~funny dirty quote by Zelda Fitzgerald

   It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.
 ~saying about dirty by James Thurber

   Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time
 ~quote about Christmas by Laura Ingalls Wilder

   All of us are experts at practicing virtue at a distance.
 ~quotes on Virtue by Theodore M. Hesburgh

   [History is] petrified imagination.
 ~sayings on History by Arthur Baer

   The unthankful heart... discovers no mercies; but let the thankful heart sweep through the day and, as the magnet finds the iron, so it will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings!
 ~quotations on Gratitude by Henry Ward Beecher

   The more I see of men, the more I like dogs.
 ~funny dirty quote by Madame de StaŽl

   All I've got against it is that it takes you so far from the clubhouse.
 ~saying about dirty by Eric Linklater, Poet's Pub, 1929

   April fool, nThe March fool with another month added to his folly
 ~quote about April Fool's Day by Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

   Half the fun of the travel is the esthetic of lostness.
 ~quotes on Travel by Ray Bradbury

   There are three reasons for breast-feeding: the milk is always at the right temperature; it comes in attractive containers; and the cat can't get it.
 ~sayings on Pregnancy by Irena Chalmers

   A real friend is someone who would feel loss if you jumped on a train, or in front of one
 ~quotations on For a Friend by Author Unknown

   The vices of the rich and great are mistaken for error; and those of the poor and lowly, for crimes.
 ~funny dirty quote by Lady Marguerite Blessington

   Love is what you've been through with somebody.
 ~saying about dirty by James Thurber, quoted in Life magazine, 1960

   If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it
 ~quote about Adversity by Mary Engelbreit

   Our body is a machine for living. It is organized for that, it is its nature. Let life go on in it unhindered and let it defend itself, it will do more than if you paralyze it by encumbering it with remedies.
 ~quotes on Health by Leo Tolstoy

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