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joke quotes for your Self help needs

   The great men of science are supreme artists.
 ~quote about Science by Martin H. Fischer
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   Your environment largely shapes your future. Take the time to select one that will shape the kind you’d like to have.
 ~quotes on Attitude by

   A hug is the shortest distance between friends.
 ~sayings on Hugs by Author Unknown

   No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.
 ~quotations on Writing by Henry Brooks Adams, The Education of Henry Adams, 1907

   Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
 ~funny joke and quote by Author Unknown

   You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
 ~saying about joke by Franklin P. Jones
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   Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months.
 ~quote about Computers by Clifford Stoll

   Most things in life are moments of pleasure and a lifetime of embarrassment; photography is a moment of embarrassment and a lifetime of pleasure.
 ~quotes on Photography by Tony Benn

   To dance with a man is to concentrate a twelvemonth's regulation fire upon him in the fragment of an hour. To pass to courtship without acquaintance, to pass to marriage without courtship, is a skipping of terms reserved for those alone who tread this royal road
 ~sayings on Dance by Thomas Hardy

   Accidents, and particularly street and highway accidents, do not happen - they are caused.
 ~quotations on Safety by Ernest Greenwood

   Civilization is a movement and not a condition, a voyage and not a harbor.
 ~funny joke and quote by Arnold Toynbee

   The more corrupt the republic, the more numerous the laws.
 ~saying about joke by Tacitus, Annals

   You can say this for ready-mixes - the next generation isn't going to have any trouble making pies exactly like mother used to make.
 ~quote about Society by Earl Wilson

   If a girl looks swell when she meets you, who gives a damn if she's late? Nobody.
 ~quotes on Women by J.D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye

   If you hate your lot but wouldn't trade it, it's not your lot you hate.
 ~sayings on Wise Words by Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

   I take it that what all men are really after is some form of, perhaps only some formula of, peace.
 ~quotations on Peace by James Conrad

   Aphorism, n.: A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
 ~funny joke and quote by James Alexander Thom

   It is well that you should celebrate your Arbor Day thoughtfully, for within your lifetime the nation's need of trees will become serious. We of an older generation can get along with what we have, though with growing hardship; but in your full manhood an
 ~saying about joke by Theodore Roosevelt, 1907 Arbor Day Message

   Men may come, men may go, but I go on forever
 ~quote about Attitude by

   Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.
 ~quotes on Living by Art Buchwald

   In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.
 ~sayings on Faith by Blaise Pascal

   If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
 ~quotations on Dogs by Will Rogers

   As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them
 ~funny joke and quote by John Fitzgerald Kennedy

   Love puts the fun in together, the sad in apart, and the joy in a heart
 ~saying about joke by Author Unknown

   How often we fail to realize our good fortune in living in a country where happiness is more than a lack of tragedy
 ~quote about Independence Day by Paul Sweeney

   A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way.
 ~quotes on Gambling by Mark Twain

   Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it.
 ~sayings on Death by Alice Walker

   I am a part of all that I have met.
 ~quotations on Philosophical by Alfred Lord Tennyson

   To dare to live alone is the rarest courage; since there are many who had rather meet their bitterest enemy in the field, than their own hearts in their closet.
 ~funny joke and quote by Charles Caleb Colton, Lacon, 1825

   All this pitting of sex against sex, of quality against quality; all this claiming of superiority and imputing of inferiority belong to the private-school stage of human existence where there are sides, and it is necessary for one side to beat another side.
 ~saying about joke by Virginia Woolf, A Room of One's Own, 1929

   I'd marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage, and guarantee he'd be dead within the year.
 ~quote about Marriage by Bette Davis

   There are sufferings that have lost their memory and do not remember why they are suffering.
 ~quotes on Adversity by Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

   Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
 ~sayings on America by Oscar Wilde

   A new idea is delicate. It can be killed by a sneer or a yawn; it can be stabbed to death by a joke or worried to death by a frown on the right person's brow
 ~quotations on Death by Charles Brower

   You can always tell a real friend: when you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job.
 ~funny joke and quote by Laurence J. Peter

   An artist, in giving a concert, should not demand an entrance fee but should ask the public to pay, just before leaving as much as they like. From the sum he would be able to judge what the world thinks of him - and we would have fewer mediocre concerts.
 ~saying about joke by Kit Coleman, Kit Coleman: Queen of Hearts

   A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job
 ~quote about Retirement by Ella Harris

   Love and business and family and religion and art and patriotism are nothing but shadows of words when a man's starving.
 ~quotes on Poverty by O. Henry, Heart of the West, 1907
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