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funny quotes for your Self help needs

   The believing we do something when we do nothing is the first illusion of tobacco.
 ~quote about Smoking by Ralph Waldo Emerson

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   What's wrong with this world is, it's not finished yet. It is not competed to the point where man can put his final signature to the job and say, It is finished. We made it and it works.
 ~quotes on Society by William Faulkner, address, Wellesley, Massachusetts, 8 June 1952

   I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework
 ~sayings on Teacher Appreciation by Lily Tomlin as "Edith Ann"

   Waste is a tax on the whole people.
 ~quotations on Environment by Albert W. Atwood

   As the poet said, Only God can make a tree - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
 ~funny motivational quotes by Woody Allen

   If experience was so important, we'd never have had anyone walk on the moon.
 ~saying about funny by Doug Rader

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   The use of solar energy has not been opened up because the oil industry does not own the sun.
 ~quote about Environment by Ralph Nader, quoted in Linda Botts, ed., Loose Talk, 1980

   The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left
 ~quotes on Birthdays by Jerry M. Wright

   If you are a host to your guest, be a host to his dog also.
 ~sayings on Guests by Russian Proverb

   By night, an atheist half believes in God.
 ~quotations on Night by Edward Young, Night Thoughts

   If you are ashamed to stand by your colors, you had better seek another flag
 ~funny motivational quotes by Author Unknown

   My wife tells me she doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I'm not enjoying it.
 ~saying about funny by Lee Trevino

   Never worry about the size of your Christmas treeIn the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall
 ~quote about Christmas by Larry Wilde, The Merry Book of Christmas

   Peace - that was the other name for home.
 ~quotes on Home by Kathleen Norris

   Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.
 ~sayings on Honesty by Slovenian Proverb

   The only measure of your worth and your deeds will be the love you leave behind when you're gone
 ~quotations on Love Quotes by Fred Small

   The sweetest sounds to mortals given, Are heard in Mother, Home, and Heaven.
 ~funny motivational quotes by William Goldsmith Brown

   We didn't all come over on the same ship, but we're all in the same boat.
 ~saying about funny by Bernard M. Baruch

   Red serpents, fiery forms, and yelling hags,Fit company for mad adventurers.
 ~quote about Halloween by Philip Freneau

   Drawing on my find command of language, I said nothing.
 ~quotes on Speaking by Robert Charles Benchley

   Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
 ~sayings on Reality by Albert Einstein

   When a guy goes to a hooker, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave.
 ~quotations on Sex by Author Unknown

   Taxes: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an automatic extension.
 ~funny motivational quotes by Author Unknown

   Man is so made that he can only find relaxation from one kind of labor by taking up another
 ~saying about funny by Anatole France, The Crime of Sylvestre Bonnard

   Men prefer brief praise, pitched high; women are satisfied with praise in a lower key, just so it goes on and on.
 ~quote about Compliments by Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

   Writing comes more easily if you have something to say.
 ~quotes on Writing by Sholem Asch

   I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
 ~sayings on Drugs by Author Unknown

   I get sick of listening to straight people complain about, Well, hey, we don't have a heterosexual-pride day, why do you need a gay-pride day? I remember when I was a kid I'd always ask my mom: Why don't we have a Kid's Day? We have a Mother's Day and a Father's Day, but why don't we have a Kid's Day? My mom would always say, Every day is Kid's Day. To all those heterosexuals that bitch about gay pride, I say the same thing: Every day is heterosexual-pride day! Can't you people enjoy your banquet and not piss on those of us enjoying our crumbs over here in the corner?
 ~quotations on Homosexuality by Rob Nash

   Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes.
 ~funny motivational quotes by Gloria Naylor

   Time has no divisions to mark its passage, there is never a thunder-storm or blare of trumpets to announce the beginning of a new month or yearEven when a new century begins it is only we mortals who ring bells and fire off pistols
 ~saying about funny by Thomas Mann

   The best thing about getting old is that all those things you couldn't have when you were young you no longer want.
 ~quote about Age by L.S. McCandless

   Our children more attention pay, to what we do, than what we say. Training by example is easy and fast; by explaining long and difficult.
 ~quotes on Family by

   Nerves and butterflies are fine - they're a physical sign that you're mentally ready and eager. You have to get the butterflies to fly in formation, that's the trick.
 ~sayings on Worry by Steve Bull

   Why are men reluctant to become fathers? They aren't through being children.
 ~quotations on Fathers by Cindy Garner

   Poetry spills from the cracks of a broken heart, but flows from one which is loved.
 ~funny motivational quotes by Christopher Paul Rubero

   After two days in the hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
 ~saying about funny by W.C. Fields

   Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that.
 ~quote about Love by Michael Leunig

   Have no fear of robbers or murderers. They are external dangers, petty dangers. We should fear ourselves. Prejudices are the real robbers; vices the real murders. The great dangers are within us. Why worry about what threatens our heads or purses? Let us think instead of what threatens our souls.
 ~quotes on Integrity by Victor Hugo

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