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sarcastic quotes for your Self help needs

   Who can hope to be safe? who sufficiently cautious? Guard himself as he may, every moment's an ambush.
 ~quote about Safety by Horace

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   Expect an early death - it will keep you busier.
 ~quotes on Carpe Diem by Martin H. Fischer

   First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.
 ~sayings on Age by Leo Rosenberg

   Can we actually know the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.
 ~quotations on Humorous by Woody Allen, Getting Even, 1971

   If dandelions were hard to grow, they would be most welcome on any lawn.
 ~funny quotes sarcastic by Andrew Mason

   You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
 ~saying about sarcastic by Dave Barry, Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn

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   Are you bored with life? Then throw yourself into some work you believe in with all your heart, live for it, die for it, and you will find happiness that you had thought could never be yours.
 ~quote about Happiness by Dale Carnegie

   Why don't you slip out of those wet clothes and into a dry Martini?
 ~quotes on Alcohol by Robert Benchley

   Life is its own journey, presupposes its own change and movement, and one tries to arrest them at one's eternal peril.
 ~sayings on Changes by Laurens van der Post

   Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment.
 ~quotations on Experience. by Rita Mae Brown

   At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet
 ~funny quotes sarcastic by Plato

   Euphemisms are unpleasant truths wearing diplomatic cologne.
 ~saying about sarcastic by Quentin Crisp

    Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
 ~quote about Attitude by The Reverend Jesse Jackson

   Individual commitment to a group effort -- that is what makes a team work a company work, a society work, a civilization work
 ~quotes on Football by Vince Lombardi

   No one person can possibly combine all the elements supposed to make up what everyone means by friendship
 ~sayings on Friendship by Francis Marion Crawford

   When we lose one we love, our bitterest tears are called forth by the memory of hours when we loved not enough.
 ~quotations on Carpe Diem by Maurice Maeterlinck, Wisdom and Destiny, 1901, translated by Alfred Sutro

   A gentleman is simply a patient wolf.
 ~funny quotes sarcastic by Lana Turner

   Every man prefers belief to the exercise of judgment.
 ~saying about sarcastic by Seneca

   No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
 ~quote about Attitude by Anna Eleanor Roosevelt

   But the freedom that they fought for, and the country grand they wrought for,Is their monument to-day, and for aye.
 ~quotes on Memorial Day by Thomas Dunn English

   There are natures that go to the streams of life in great cities as the hart goes to the water brooks.
 ~sayings on Cities by Philip G. Hamerton

   The moment a man claims a right to control the will of a fellow being by physical force, he is at heart a slaveholder.
 ~quotations on Violence by Henry C. Wright, The Liberator, 7 April 1837

   Your life is something opaque, not transparent, as long as you look at it in an ordinary human way. But if you hold it up against the light of God's goodness, it shines and turns transparent, radiant and bright. And then you ask yourself in amazement: Is this really my own life I see before me?
 ~funny quotes sarcastic by Albert Schweitzer

   I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.
 ~saying about sarcastic by Robin Williams, 1982

   Tomorrow is no place to place your better days.
 ~quote about Living by Dave Matthews

   Those who deny freedom to others, deserve it not for themselves; and, under a just God, can not long retain it.
 ~quotes on Attitude by Abraham Lincoln

   One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
 ~sayings on Honesty by Mark Twain

   If man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live
 ~quotations on Death by Martin Luther King Jr.

   Those who have compared our life to a dream were right.... We sleeping wake, and waking sleep.
 ~funny quotes sarcastic by Michel de Montaigne, Essays, 1580

   Fans never fall asleep at our games, because they're afraid they might get hit by a pass.
 ~saying about sarcastic by George Raveling

   Human beings, vegetables, or cosmic dust - we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible piper.
 ~quote about Miscellaneous by Albert Einstein, in The Saturday Evening Post, 26 October 1929

   Never make your home in a place. Make a home for yourself inside your own head. You'll find what you need to furnish it - memory, friends you can trust, love of learning, and other such things. That way it will go with you wherever you journey.
 ~quotes on Wise Words by Tad Williams

   Consider what you think justice requires, and decide accordingly. But never give your reasons; for your judgment will probably be right, but your reasons will certainly be wrong.
 ~sayings on Decisions by Lord Mansfield

   If you call a thing bad you do little, if you call a thing good you do much.
 ~quotations on Attitude by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

   Die, v.: To stop sinning suddenly.
 ~funny quotes sarcastic by Elbert Hubbard

   He that will have a perfect brother must resign himself to remain brotherless.
 ~saying about sarcastic by Italian Proverb

   Work isn't to make money; you work to justify life.
 ~quote about Labor by Marc Chagall

   Everything I eat has been proved by some doctor or other to be a deadly poison, and everything I don't eat has been proved to be indispensable for life. But I go marching on.
 ~quotes on Food by George Bernard Shaw

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