When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Author: Henny Youngman I can resist anything but temptation.
Author: Oscar Wilde The report of my death was an exaggeration.
Author: Mark Twain Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Author: Groucho Marx Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Author: Groucho Marx Go, and never darken my towels again.
Author: Groucho Marx I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.
Author: Oscar Levant So little time and so little to do.
Author: Oscar Levant Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
Author: David Letterman If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Author: Johnny Carson Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Author: George Carlin There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Author: George Carlin You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Author: Woody Allen What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Author: Woody Allen Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Author: Woody Allen On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
Author: Woody Allen It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Author: Woody Allen If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
Author: Woody Allen I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Author: Woody Allen I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Author: Woody Allen Life is a game, whoever has the most money at the end wins
Author: Danny Devito Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he would have lost.
Author: Mort Sahl I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
Author: Unknown A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
Author: David Brenner Deputy Barney Fife (Don Knotts on the Andy Griffith Show)
Author: Mel Brooks I'm a man of the world, Andy. Why, I've even been to Raleigh!
Author: Mel Brooks Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Author: Mel Brooks If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
Author: Mel Brooks Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness', but it doesn't work.
Author: Gallagher I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
Author: Rodney Dangerfield You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
Author: Dave Barry If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.
Author: Dick Cavett A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Author: Bob Hope Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.
Author: George Burns When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
Author: Gracie Allen I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Author: Jack Benny Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Author: Unknown Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
Author: Sam Levenson
Free inspirational quotations in your email every day.