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joke sayings for your Self help needs

   You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French, people.
 ~quote about Humorous by Conan O'Brien, 2003

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   I'm afraid that if you look at a thing long enough, it loses all of its meaning.
 ~quotes on Miscellaneous by Andy Warhol

   The faculty of attention has utterly vanished from the Anglo-Saxon mind, extinguished at its source by the big bayadère of journalism, of the newspaper and the picture magazine which keeps screaming, Look at me. Illustrations, loud simplifications... bill poster advertising - only these stand a chance.
 ~sayings on Media Journalism by Henry James

   Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known.
 ~quotations on Adversity by Garrison Keillor

   It is the little bits of things that fret and worry us; we can dodge a elephant, but we can't dodge a fly.
 ~joke and funny saying by Josh Billings

   War will exist until that distant day when the conscientious objector enjoys the same reputation and prestige that the warrior does today.
 ~saying about joke by John F. Kennedy

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   I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
 ~quote about Worry by Mark Twain

   The sports page records people's accomplishments; The front page nothing but their failures
 ~quotes on Sports by Jutice Earl Warren

   It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
 ~sayings on Miscellaneous by Howard Ruff, How to Prosper in the Coming Bad Years, 1979

   Everything you can imagine is real.
 ~quotations on Reality by Pablo Picasso

   In the coldest February, as in every other month in every other year, the best thing to hold on to in this world is each other.
 ~joke and funny saying by Linda Ellerbee, Move On: Adventures in the Real World

   A word is not the same with one writer as with another. One tears it from his guts. The other pulls it out of his overcoat pocket.
 ~saying about joke by Charles Peguy

   God is innocent. Noah built in a flood plain.
 ~quote about Religion by Author Unknown

   No worthwhile book shows its best face in first reading. It requires several. Doubly and triply true of proverbs. Every time we read them we see something we missed before.
 ~quotes on Personality by

   In the Middle Ages, they had guillotines, stretch racks, whips and cahins. Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale.
 ~sayings on Dieting by Stephen Phillips

   It's just life. Just live it.
 ~quotations on Life by Terri Guillemets

   Whenever the ball flew toward our goal and a score seemed inevitable, Jesus reached his foot out and cleared the ball.
 ~joke and funny saying by Author unknown, from an article in Rio de Janeiro's Jornal dos Sports

   [T]he ear of jealousy heareth all things.
 ~saying about joke by The Bible (Apocrypha), Wisdom of Solomon 1:10

   In my friend, I find a second self.
 ~quote about Friendship by Isabel Norton

   Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.
 ~quotes on Television by Alfred Hitchcock

   It has ever been my experience that folks who have no vices, have very few virtues.
 ~sayings on Vices by Abraham Lincoln

   If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.
 ~quotations on Television by Joey Adams

   Why certainly I'd like to have that fellow who hits a home run every time at bat, who strikes out every opposing batter when he's pitching, who throws strikes to any base or the plate when he's playing outfield and who's always thinking about two innings ahead just what he'll do to baffle the other team. Any manager would want a guy like that playing for him. The only trouble is to get him to put down his cup of beer and come down out of the stands and do those things
 ~joke and funny saying by Danny Murtaugh

   I thank you God for this most amazing day, for the leaping greenly spirits of trees, and for the blue dream of sky and for everything which is natural, which is infinite, which is yes.
 ~saying about joke by e.e. cummings

   The word Verse is used here as the term most convenient for expressing, and without pedantry, all that is involved in the consideration of rhythm, rhyme, meter, and versification... the subject is exceedingly simple; one tenth of it, possibly may be called ethical; nine tenths, however, appertains to the mathematics.
 ~quote about Poetry by Edgar Allan Poe

   Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
 ~quotes on Philosophical by Andre Gide

   The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not.
 ~sayings on Happiness by George Bernard Shaw

   Make your feet your friend.
 ~quotations on Body by J.M. Barrie

   The poet is in the end probably more afraid of the dogmatist who wants to extract the message from the poem and throw the poem away than he is of the sentimentalist who says, Oh, just let me enjoy the poem.
 ~joke and funny saying by Robert Penn Warren, The Themes of Robert Frost, Hopwood Lecture, 1947

   The winds and waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators.
 ~saying about joke by Edward Gibbon, The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire

   A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.
 ~quote about Weather by Carl Reiner

   You cannot contribute anything to the ideal condition of mind and heart known as Brotherhood, however much you preach, posture, or agree, unless you live it.
 ~quotes on Brotherhood Unity by Faith Baldwin

   Sometimes it's important to work for that pot of goldBut other times it's essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow
 ~sayings on Retirement by Douglas Pagels, These Are the Gifts I'd Like to Give to You

   All love that has not friendship for its base,
is like a mansion built upon the sand.
 ~quotations on Attitude by Ella Wheeler Wilcox

   When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
 ~joke and funny saying by Woody Allen

   Biography should be written by an acute enemy.
 ~saying about joke by Arthur James Balfour

   If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average.
 ~quote about Success by M.H. Alderson

   Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought
 ~quotes on Responsibility by John F Kennedy

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